


Pages I have turned back

by Komorebiwalk



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: I am not giving tags, I don't know what I am writing, Predictable plot I think, angst I guess?, the author is as messed up as Anurag is, the author is sleep deprived and exhausted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26972125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Komorebiwalk/pseuds/Komorebiwalk
Relationships: Aman Tripathi - Relationship, Anurag, Jannat, Kartik Singh - Relationship
Kudos: 5





	Pages I have turned back

Sorry diary. Don't wanna address you as 'dear'. The reason I am here,turning your pages is not what I would do usually. The fact that I am doing something breaking my 'usual barrier' is itself quite alarming :)

" Am I anxious? 

No - I presume.

Am I having excessive tension?

No - most probably.

Are the hormones in my body doing utterly ridiculous things to me?

I wish it would do so...

I am extremely calm. And that's what is bothering me occasionally. 

Starting writing a 'diary' kind of thing in this kind of time is not so likeable idea to others I think. The reason I am kind of 'compelled' to write down things is quite predictable - yes, my overheating brain. And this time it's too unbearable to have a self question-answer session. I shouldn't have been this much bothered for I had anticipated many things and particularly this one. I nearly saw it coming. I had prepared my mind for days-

So...now why am I-

Oh...

Didn't expect the moist coming this soon :) 

..........

Tears brought the actual peace I wanted. At least a bit. 

Before entering anything more I re-read the heck I have written already. Yes, my mind needed a rest. Those lines reflect that the writer was making futile effort to make himself believe that ' he is fine' ( while trying to recompose the broken pieces of confidence with fevicol?... _favicol Ka jod hamesha atut_ _Nahi_ _reheta_ _Sahab..._ ) Maybe I am being over-dramatic now? Don't know. I tried to divide '2020' by 2 but all I got was odd. 

So...no self-blaming this time. Maybe it's okay to curse sometimes. Other people curse whatever the hell they want to curse, whenever the hell they want. Cursing the 'time'...OK

" Fuck you 2020!"

Did it work? Did it work? Am I feeling better now?

..........

Jannat said that I was looking intimidating when I had gone to the kitchen to fetch four water bottles. *Sigh* *deep sigh*... Leave her for a second. You know I just gulped water... acting as if I drank...liquor? I was acting like a full talli. Shut the door and then watched myself behaving like a complete-

I need another shot.

Ok... One bottle done. I am hydrated and healthy now. 

Maybe I should not have gone to the kitchen...

.........

Um...1990 ha? Well... I like to talk with elder fellows. And your pages attracted me...not gonna lie. The yellowish tinge, the memory triggering smell of old pages... I love the way my pen is leaving deep marks against you. You are being touched after a decade...wow...

You have lots of lots of memories written over your pages. Yet it has space for me to write. Thanks for tolerating this kind of shitty entries. The 'previous dairy holder' was too caring about you... isn't it? There is no such mark showing you were mishandled before. Your binding is in good condition till this day. Did I say 'holder'?... Sorry... 'Holders'.

The sodium vapour lamp is flickering more than usual today...

... I am starving. Don't wanna go to the kitchen again. Should have fetched some food too previously. *Sigh* 

Amateurish writing... Na? Sorry about that. I am driven by a sleeping mind in a body that is awake. 

No. I don't wanna attend 'self-custody'. I have been doing this since pre-lockdown days. I am bored, I am tired, I am irritated, I am exhausted- in short- I am done with it. 

I wish I could have ' Good night' biscuits for better sleep. 

Oh! The street lamps are finally ok now! Good. 

....

The street is so deserted. The wind coming from the window is hitting me directly. The vapour lamps in good condition are just making the place more desolate...the silence is... suffocating me?...my only companion when I feel distorted...is _suffocating me?_

I cried the previous night. I just can't take it. I cried for the whole night. I am feeling lost, deserted. I can't confront others with this broken spirit. Why should I make them worry again? Jannat is more stable than me. She is strong. But now... I am confessing that I am not that strong as I used to think I am...father...I don't want to be grabbed by the ghosts wandering through my mind, father! Come back soon! I don't want to get any other harsh realisation on my own. I want to share. I am just-

Not okay. 

Dear diary, I am asking one thing. _ICU se wapas aane mein kitne din laagta hain?..._

\-- yours,

Anurag. 


End file.
